Just another night
by springdreams
Summary: It's November, its freezing and its surprising how fast she could fell for James, had fallen for James and subsequently played all sort of silly games and invented bad excuses just to be a few more minutes with him, and the stars they'd watch from the Astronomy Tower as she explained him she felt useless what were they going to do if they had to fight a war


A leaf fall from a random tree and entangles between the strands of her red hair. She removes it, lightly and her thin fingers get a bit wet – she's just finished showering-. Hadn't she spent those deadly minutes lying on her bed, looking at the roof as if it was the most interesting thing in the world, she'd probably would have had time to dry her hair off, properly, avoiding the potential odds of getting ill because, actually, is winter and its fucking freezing outside (and inside of her too).  
It's not like she didn't try to get up and hurry and shower and leave without thinking, but it won again. Her mind. Her mind won again and tied her to that well known spider-web-of-thoughts, ugly thoughts, that coexisted with her along with lots of other stuff like those random memories she'd get now and then and that were threatening to _kill_ her.

Because, why on earth does her mind think it is a good idea to bring those shining memories of her back at school, being happy, not worrying at all, or worrying about what to wear to look good, what to say to make him like her or at least want her or at the very least listen to her for hours and hours as he did without wanting to throw her and her babbling mouth into the lake.

He would mock her, threat her very seriously while grabbing her whole body and putting it across his muscled shoulders as if she weighted the same as a feather and running around while everyone watched and laughed and she would kick him effortlessly, wishing he would put her down and at the same time wishing he would never let her go more than a few centimeters away from him.

 _-"Hey, Pumpkin"_

 _Lily throws him one of her scariest looks while taking the hand he is offering and being helped to get up from the ground where she was lying –with a book in her hands and a bunch of galaxies on her mind, because lately she wouldn't be able to concentrate even if Dumbledore was pointing at her with his wand- and gets steady on her feet before facing him._

 _-"If this is how it is going to work, then it is not going to work, Potter"_

 _-"Oh come on…"_

 _-"Not in a million years. I'm serious"_

 _James puts one of his big hands on her lower back and drags her closer, until his lips are resting on her front – he doesn't even has to bend, she's shorter than him, but who isn't. James is a fucking giraffe, all long legs and clumsy movements- and she closes her eyes automatically._

 _-You should have told me before you were Sirius. I was finally happy Lily Evans had accepted to go out with me._

 _Lily smiles silently and leans closer, allowing him to engulf her completely between his arms, and Merlin, does she love this, would she ever deny she'd absolutely build a house in between his arms and just live there forever and turn off the other stuff in the world she doesn't need anymore._

 _It's November, its freezing and its surprising how fast she could fell for James,_ _had fallen_ _for James.  
It had been so easy she hadn't even realized but rather just woken up one day acknowledging it and subsequently played all sort of silly games and invented bad excuses just to be a few more minutes with him, and the stars they'd watch from the Astronomy Tower as she explained him she felt useless and the word was falling apart and what were they going to do if they had to go and fight a war when she was still scared of darkness and spiders. _

_And he'd listen to her, silently, and then calm her down by telling him he had no idea how but they would do it, they would and the world would be their quiet scenario as they became war heroes and raised ginger babies. And she'd laugh, at first, because he had changed so much –in most senses- but he still couldn't let go the opportunity to make her laugh. And she would laugh now, not get angry like she used to whenever he joked about their happily ever after. Because she'd realized while they named constellations and drank tea and hated everything together that James was very kind, actually, and his eyebrows would sometimes rise when she told him something interesting and his leather jacket smelled like him and smelled like wood and like all those things she'd always wanted to do but never got the nerves to._

 _So one of those nights he's picturing their wedding – for the hundred time- and just when he's about to describe how Sirius would try to hit on her sister by making some of his best weird dance moves, she realizes his lips look very soft and she realizes she'd like to actually be sure of how soft they are and she knows is a one way ticket into something none of them is sure of –although both want so much it hurts- that she cuts him off._

 _-"James" – she says sitting up (they'd been lying on their sides, facing each other, her feet barely touching his legs)_

 _He sits too, looking worried._

 _-"Are you okay?" his eyes are scanning hers and it's normal now, just something they've got used to doing._

 _-"I'm fine, don't worry" she's still looking at his lips, almost with hunger but manly with excitement. Her stomach has suddenly reduced its size and her heart has expanded in her chest and she's not even sure how to keep her eyes open because there's so much energy in the room right now she feels like she's going to start floating any second – "I've just realized I can't marry you"_

 _He looks disappointed, he really does and Lily is biting her lips because that kills her_

 _-"Why not?" he asks it straightly forward, as if he was asking her if she'd lend him her potions book and not why is she denying his marriage proposal, which was, by the way, part of all those games they played to forget they were almost adults and the world was almost exploding and that they were both scared to make the first move (James was afraid of her running away and Lily was afraid of not being good enough and besides she'd never felt anything like that before. Ever. Of course she was afraid)_

 _-"Because…" she leans closer. His eyelashes are thick and she could name each one of them if someone asked her to, and she could also ghost his cheeks with her little fingers just to feel his recently grown beard and all the internal scars he tries to hide away from her just because he know she'll find them anyway. "… I can't marry someone I've never kissed before. What if we don't coordinate, what if we suck at kissing" she says it genuinely concerned as he opens his eyes and his mouth is suddenly a little circle - "It's an enormous risk to run" she concludes._

 _James nods slowly with his head and takes one of her hands into his._

 _-"You are right. I'm sorry for messing with you all this time. You better go now" he says, caressing the back of her hand with his thumb. "But before you go…" and he is leaning closer and playing it cool even though Lily knows he's dying inside as much as she is._

 _And then it is happening. His lips are touching hers. And the air is suddenly gone from the room and everything is so silent that she's suddenly very nervous and why on earth was this a good idea when she feels like she's about to die and she feels his lips -she feels them- and she's never been so conscious of anything before and…_

 _-Hey_

 _Suddenly she's kissing the air, her eyelids still closed and James is not holding her anymore and what has just happened? Why does she feel like crying? Of course she always has to ruin everything. They were friends, almost best friends, they were there for each other and now they are this kind of weird couple of people looking at each other for the first time._

 _-Hey – he says again looking at her and she is blushing furiously because she feels like a five year old now and why can't she handle a single kiss without feeling she's being burned alive? A voice inside of her screams ``you know it's more than a kiss´´ and her stomach flips and James is putting one of his large fingers under her chin._

 _"_ _Look at me" he begs. Lily breathes slowly and then looks at him_

 _It feels like home. His eyes feel like home. And with silent glares and his hands holding hers he is telling her that everything is going to be fine and she feels so vulnerable right now, like she's just been reduced to half of her actual size._

 _James puts one of his big hands in her red and endless hair and drags her close, very close and then lays her softly into the floor –and they've been lying in the floor for uncountable hours but right now it feels so different- because he is slowly putting his hands between her sides and nuzzling her neck with his nose and Lily can literally feel her pulse being shot to the roof. He is suddenly kissing random parts of her –her jaw, her front, her cheeks- and a few minutes pass and she's so relaxed she could fall asleep. She does, for a few minutes at least and she wakes up to find him caressing her hair and maybe she is dreaming because is she pushing her lips into his again? The last thing she sees is his surprised expression and then a tiny smile and then they are properly kissing and Lily is not scared to death anymore, but rather excited and eager to lay herself all over him.  
Because all the stars they'd pictured together are suddenly behind her eyelids and all of the thoughts she's ever had before are suddenly dust and if she ever had any doubts about James and her and if they could work despite their differences, she's going to have to kiss him a million times just to erase them_

Of course all those memories made her late, as there was no way she could reject that uncontrolled sailing that took her to times and places where she was still alive, where she lived rather than existed.

Unlike now.

So she runs to the shower, praying that, maybe, the water coming out from the tap would act as holly water that could help her to fucking calm down and focus and everything else she should be doing right now (it doesn't). Waters falls, as it has always fallen, and while she's there naked and soaked, she thinks that her life right now is like that water: days pass one after another, time runs, and there is nothing she can do to stop it. Each day would consist of a series of hours eating themselves, while she waited a possible emergency call back from the Academy, which, luckily, hadn't happen, at least for now. She had been spending those last days alone, very alone, too alone. They were given a month off to study for exams and while everyone cheered about it, she'd been scared to death because, it was pretty obvious that if they were given so much time to study, those exams were going to be bloody difficult.  
But of course, the worst part wasn't the exams. It was the fact that it was a month.  
 _A month_.  
Away from him.  
Physically at least, because it is not like the had been talking lately but she could see him, see him with her eyes and calm herself down knowing he was there, he was alive, walking with both of his long legs, breathing with his lungs and frowning his face while wracking his brain out to accomplish that hard spell they'd been practicing.  
And now she couldn't. And had to spend those deathly days alone by herself in that filthy room she'd rented blindly at Diagon's Alley –she hadn't even gave it a look before paying for it, because it didn't matter, nothing mattered- and the room wasn't that bad (it was just a bed, a wooden desk and a closet and a small bathroom) - but she felt like dying whenever she was there, which was rather the twenty four hours of her day.  
Only a week had passed since they had left the Academy. Only a week from the last time she laid her green and worried eyes on him while he left with a big bag in one hand and his broom in the other (some things never change, do they) , and Sirius following him closely (nope) . They were going to disappear together to who-knows-where, stylish as fuck as they always did, with that chill expression decorating their wild faces –they were marauders after all- although Lily was pretty sure they would go straight to Remus whenever he had been living those days and drink red wine until they were fast asleep one next to the other, missing their four table leg, Peter, that had been pretty absent lately.  
But before finally leaving, he had suddenly turned round and looked at her straight in the eyes like he would do all the time (before). And it would always make her feel _stuff_ , whenever he looked at her like that, but now it was more than stuff, now it was more like she'd had forgotten how to breathe.

Because he was looking at her, after all.  
Looking at her, with an exceptional concern she'd rarely been able to spot in his lively eyes during the long time (and so short, at the same time) they'd been together.  
Looking at her, questioningly.  
Looking at her, and suddenly walking towards her.  
And she wishes she could run, run and bury herself very deep in the ground, but of course her fucking legs are suddenly dead and she's not breathing, she really isn't. She's neither ready to face this, whatever this means, she's not ready to have him so close and feel his body warmth again, contagious and vibrant, because she was pretty sure he is the sun and she is just a flower trying to catch a glimpse of light just to keep living.  
He's suddenly in front of her. The air is suddenly warmer, her heart is suddenly pumping blood into her whole body and she's not dead anymore.

She's too damn alive and she's going to miss it.

And he's about to say something, she knows it. Otherwise, he wouldn't have come so near. Otherwise, Sirius wouldn't be a few meters away, waiting for him.  
She's sure he had told him to wait on him and Sirius –always so loyal, Lily's never known a person who was also a puppy most of the time- was there, waiting, turning on a cigarette and exhaling from his lungs and if she weren't too busy being in love with James, she'd definitely fall for Sirius because she is a girl and she has eyes and he fucking looks as if he came out of a movie –although he's never been to a cinema in his life-.  
Of course Lily is busy and also kind of taken –silently taken- because no one in his dared existence would even _think_ about looking at her. They both belong to each other, they do. Although they

He's about to say something and she is not ready, will never be, she doesn't want to hear his voice and at the same time she needs it, needs those words inside of her the following days working up as a distraction from the death surrounding her. Needs to use his voice as a mantra to keep her going while everything keeps falling apart.

-Please – is all he says.

Lily tries to ask him, ask him what is he asking from her, and she opens her mouth to do it but nothing comes from it, nothing but a gasp of air, and exhalation.

-Please – he says again. This time, he draws a little bit closer, and his large feet are almost touching hers and her body warmth is contagious and brings color to her life again.

And then he moves again and she thinks he is about to leave, but instead he takes her hand between his and rubs his thumbs across her skin slowly.

- _Take care_ – she should have known. Of course that was what he wanted to say. Of course. And she really appreciates it, and she is going to try to and she will not go alone by herself at night and she will put charms all around the place she's rented and she will not talk to strangers. _I will take care_ , she wants to answer _. I will_.

 _(But I can't do it while you are not around)_


End file.
